Questions with No Answers.

12 Oct

What exactly do you do when you have everything that you could possibly want that’s within your reach?

I am happily married, have an amazing daughter, live in a nice place, and get to stay at home like I always dreamed. What’s next? Yeah we are saving for a down payment for a new place which will happen eventually. It would be nice if I could figure out what exactly it is that I am really good at so I could concentrate on making that my next attempt for an income but that will happen eventually too. But everything that’s out of our reach is going to take time to accomplish. So I guess what I am saying is, what do I do in between?

I can’t rush saving for a new place unless I get a job which defeats the purpose of being a stay at home mom and I have already crunched numbers to save as much as we can. I can’t rush figuring out what I am really good at because the only things I am really good at are being a mom and being artistic. So I am jumping through hoops trying as many crafts as I can to find out where exactly I belong. This may take a while!!

Do you ever feeling like you are trying so hard to make everyone else happy that it’s taking up your entire time?

Sometimes I think that’s why I don’t get anywhere with my crafts because I am too busy worried about everything else. Sometimes I think I am just too scared to commit to something because it might not make the income we need. Then some things I do very well but I am sure there’s someone else that does it better, in fact I already know someone does. Most of the time.. I give up.

When it comes to E, I try my hardest and do whatever it takes to get her through the day. I put as much energy I can into her and I am so proud of how it’s turning out. So if that is the only thing that I am REALLY good at.. how am I supposed to provide an income for a family?

Honestly if we were living anywhere else besides Northern Virginia I feel like we wouldn’t be worried about making enough money. At first I moved here thinking the moms around here were just rich and spoiled. That they sent their kids to daycare because they wanted to work, they were materialistic, and they didn’t care like I care about E. Boy was I wrong and I’ll be the first to admit that was the worst stereotypical thing I probably could have thought. The reason these moms are working instead of staying home to raise their children is because they can’t afford to live here otherwise! It costs an arm and a leg to live here. But this is where the jobs are and in an economy like this we would be putting our entire life on the line to move.

So how can a mom like me live in a place like this?

I am the kind of person who wants to be there for my child whenever she needs me. Not the kind of smothering you are probably thinking! The kind that my mom was. The one who said, “come to me when you need me and I’ll always be here no matter what.” It was the fact that she could be there if I needed something and all I had to do was ask. I would forget my paper that I wrote for English class at home on the dinning room table and she would bring it to school before the class started. I would forget my lunch (on multiple occasions) and she would drop it off for me. I would get sick in the middle of class she would pick me up, take me home, and take care of me. Or the best one yet, I would come home crying from school because someone said something about me that hurt so bad I didn’t think I could make it one more day and she would be there to hold me and get me through the pain. That’s the kind of mother I want to be. I want to be available for shopping, helping with homework, driving her wherever her and her friends want to go. I want to be the MOM!

So again .. what exactly is it that I am supposed to do to keep this and also provide for my family?

I feel like I am trying everything here and I know it’s only going to take time but how much time do I have?

Love Always,

J

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One Response to “Questions with No Answers.”

  1. newm0mmy October 12, 2010 at 11:59 pm #

    I know how you feel yet again 🙂
    right now being a stay at home mommy has its ups and downs. i love her and i love spending time with her but i feel like i should be doing tons more with my time i just dont know what! i know when i finally start working again i will miss these days and wish i could go back.

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